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Category: Sex Stories

Just Flop It Inside Me

The fact that he was a grown man who still called himself Timmy should have tipped me off that this wasn’t going to be the most satisfying experience. So Timmy was a fairly sweet, if dim guy and before we had sex he told me he’d had sex with a few girls, but only one time each and he didn’t know why. I was all, “That’s so weird! You’re totally cute, let’s have sex twice today.”

Half an hour into fooling around, I figured it out. Not only did he not get hard at all, it seems that no one had ever told him that you need to in fact be erect before trying to penetrate a woman. He kept holding his tiny, limp dick and trying to kind of…just…flop it inside of me, I guess. I tried my very best to, um, rectify the situation and get things really going, but he kept saying, “What’s wrong? Why won’t you just put it inside you?” So I just sort of…shoved his flaccid penis inside of me and he started to moan like it was feeling really good for him. Then it promptly just fell out.

I remember how sad and floppy it looked lying against his leg and then how pitiful the whole effort was as he started to rock against me, gently thwacking his droopy, listless penis between my legs as though I must be the luckiest girl in the world. Needless to say, we did not have sex more than the one time. I wonder if he has since broken that streak.

Champagne Bottle In My Ass

A few years ago, my French bf-at-the-time took me to Paris to meet his family….His mother, a haughty Parisienne who believes that her only son is GOD, and that no girl could possibly be classy enough to deserve him. Their regard is mutual – he worships her as much as she worships him.

One evening after a champagne-soaked dinner, she left to go to the theater. Expecting that she’d be gone for several hours, we started having regular sex, and then anal sex, on a couch adjacent to the table at which we’d had dinner. Things kept getting hotter, and my b.f. started f*cking my ass with the slim end of a champagne bottle. This felt good at first… but then I realized that something felt off. I slowed him down in an attempt to understand what on Earth my body was doing, and I realized that my bowels were moving. And I kind of realized that it was too late to stop what was happening.

At this already Godforsaken moment, we hear a key in the door and his mother pops into the room. The bitch had forgotten her shawl or something. So there I am, naked, on her couch, while her son, also naked, is holding a champagne bottle that is obviously deeply embedded in my ass. We shriek, and he yanks out the bottle. And immediately out comes a LARGE, dark brown, smelly piece of poop. It just rolls out – this felt like it was happening in slow motion, and I kept trying to stop it but I couldn’t – and lands on her couch.

The French boy and I broke up shortly thereafter. I dumped him – pun intended.

Help Me, My Head is Stuck

It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realized that my head was stuck between the brass posts. I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn’t save me – he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.

Why is my penis crooked?

While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially slid out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my entire body.

Horrible screams. A shame, it was pretty fun up until that point.

It stayed like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously straightened itself.

I am fucking an alien princess!

I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house… Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled “I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!” I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: “your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters.” I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: “you can’t have any.” I walked home.

Passed Out

I was so excited to go on a third date with this guy I really liked and figured this would be the night where we slept together. But I was also really nervous about it since I hadn’t been with a guy since my ex the year before, so I started drinking as soon as we got to the restaurant — and didn’t stop. By the time we got to his place and he was trying to get my bra off, I must have passed out in his bed! He was really sweet about it the next day and even teased me a bit, but my hangover combined with passing out on him really made me feel disgusting. At least I didn’t puke on him.

I Just Had Sex

There was this guy at college who wanted to have shower sex with his girlfriend, but the only showers were hall showers and not exactly private, so he arranged for the whole hall to not be in the bathroom for a few hours on the day the girlfriend came to visit. The part he didn’t expect was the whole hall assembling outside the showers to blast Lonely Island’s ‘I Just Had Sex’ and to give him a round of applause as the happy couple left the showers.

Just a Little Poop

I loudly dry-heaved when I gave my first blow job. It was right when he came. Imagine feeling great for a second, and abruptly becoming terrified of someone vomiting on your penis. My gag reflex has relaxed a little, but I still have to be careful.

I also came so hard earlier this year that I pooped on my boyfriend’s hand. Not majorly, just a little poop.

Eww

Just finished sexin’ and took off condom and put on floor (in some tissue). We were cooling off and she noticed that her dog had got to the condom and lapped up almost all the cum. I laughed a lot. She did too after a bit.

Dick Stick Shift

One morning after we were taking our time getting out of bed, and were naked from the night before. I sat on top of him for a bit, and eventually I started casually playing with his dick. After a few minutes I was suddenly inspired to grab it like a stick shift and start changing gears, complete with car noises. First, second, third, fourth, fifth; then, I shifted it into reverse and made car crash noises. Thankfully he found it really, really funny.