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Something Weird On My Ass

As a freshman in college, I decided to nurse the wounds of a bad breakup with a one-night stand. I should have run in the other direction when the guy told me he was working on his “memoirs” (he was 19), but I was pretty desperate. The sex itself was awkward, passionless, and boring, but the real treat came the next day. I arrived back to my dorm room in last night’s clothes, and as I was changing to head to the showers, my roommate noticed something weird on my ass. Turned out the guy had drawn on me while I was asleep…a sailboat, a cat, and a rocketship, all on my butt, all in highlighter.

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Bloody Penis

I was “manually prepping” him and thought it was weird that there was so much precum. Eventually, I flicked on the light to grab a condom and he said “Oh my god, you’re bleeding!” I started freaking out. How could this be?! I just got off my period. My hands, stomach and thighs were COVERED in blood…but my nether region was clear. Then, I look over and I see blood literally GUSHING out of the head of his dick. I was so freaked out I just yelled “YOUR DICK IS BLEEDING” and ran out of the room….

He was more mortified than I was…if possible. He told me about a month ago, he was really wasted and zipped the head of his penis in his pants. Being super drunk, he couldn’t dislodge it, so forced the zipper down/yanked his dick out. He then passed out to later find himself on a blood soaked mattress. The doctor told him he needed stitched to close it back up, but didn’t do it…leaving both his penis and me scarred for life.

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A Sweaty Strange Threesome

I had finally agreed to a threesome with the man I had been involved in a Dominant/submissive friends-with-benefits situation for the last four months. Since this was largely my fantasy that he had wanted to fulfill, it was going to be a male-male-female threesome. I was nervous, to say the least. He had agreed to write up an ad for Craigslist, let me review it before posting, and screen all the responses…We finally settled on one-not my first choice, or even my second, but he actually followed through.

….I knew that if I could see what was going on, I wouldn’t go through with it, so we agreed that I would be blindfolded and he would take care of me, gauging the situation and making sure the Guest didn’t overstep my limits.

I was kneeling, blindfolded, in the middle of the living room, when the doorbell rang… It didn’t take long before Guest was naked and in my mouth. Nor did it take long after we rolled around a little bit and had changed positions that I started feeling little “feather brushes” against my arms. For the life of me, I could not figure out what the feeling was-they were without pattern but distinct and localized sensations against my skin. It wasn’t until I started feeling them on my face as I was essentially tea-bagging him that I realized that HE WAS SWEATING ON ME. The Guest, this man I had just “met” in the loosest of terms, wasn’t simply sweaty, he was sweating large, gross, hairy man sweat droplets all over my face and torso.

That should have been my clue to stop, but I’m a trooper and a bit loathe to cause a scene. Besides, my Man was there, I knew I was safe, and he and I were having fun.

Fast forward to the end of the afternoon. I’m on the floor on my back after my Man and I finished fucking, kind of spent from all the activities, but still blindfolded. I can feel the Guest’s hands on me, and he asks if he can get me off again. Not one to say no to an orgasm, he starts attending to me digitally. But then the sensation changes-it feels as if he’s trying to fist me, but with his palm or something. The feeling is off…and then it hits me: The Guest is an amputee and is TRYING TO FIST ME WITH HIS STUMP! I don’t go for fisting to begin with, but trying to fit his stump in my vagina was just never going to happen, so I stop the scene, he leaves, and I go to the bathroom to clean up.

When I come out, I turn to my Man and ask, “What he missing a hand?”

“Yes he was. I didn’t think it would be polite to turn him away just because of it though.”

“That’s true, but Stumpy tried to fist me with his stump! Without asking! Had he tried to fist me, that would have been bad enough, but stumping without permission is just poor form.”

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Just Flop It Inside Me

The fact that he was a grown man who still called himself Timmy should have tipped me off that this wasn’t going to be the most satisfying experience. So Timmy was a fairly sweet, if dim guy and before we had sex he told me he’d had sex with a few girls, but only one time each and he didn’t know why. I was all, “That’s so weird! You’re totally cute, let’s have sex twice today.”

Half an hour into fooling around, I figured it out. Not only did he not get hard at all, it seems that no one had ever told him that you need to in fact be erect before trying to penetrate a woman. He kept holding his tiny, limp dick and trying to kind of…just…flop it inside of me, I guess. I tried my very best to, um, rectify the situation and get things really going, but he kept saying, “What’s wrong? Why won’t you just put it inside you?” So I just sort of…shoved his flaccid penis inside of me and he started to moan like it was feeling really good for him. Then it promptly just fell out.

I remember how sad and floppy it looked lying against his leg and then how pitiful the whole effort was as he started to rock against me, gently thwacking his droopy, listless penis between my legs as though I must be the luckiest girl in the world. Needless to say, we did not have sex more than the one time. I wonder if he has since broken that streak.

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Champagne Bottle In My Ass

A few years ago, my French bf-at-the-time took me to Paris to meet his family….His mother, a haughty Parisienne who believes that her only son is GOD, and that no girl could possibly be classy enough to deserve him. Their regard is mutual – he worships her as much as she worships him.

One evening after a champagne-soaked dinner, she left to go to the theater. Expecting that she’d be gone for several hours, we started having regular sex, and then anal sex, on a couch adjacent to the table at which we’d had dinner. Things kept getting hotter, and my b.f. started f*cking my ass with the slim end of a champagne bottle. This felt good at first… but then I realized that something felt off. I slowed him down in an attempt to understand what on Earth my body was doing, and I realized that my bowels were moving. And I kind of realized that it was too late to stop what was happening.

At this already Godforsaken moment, we hear a key in the door and his mother pops into the room. The bitch had forgotten her shawl or something. So there I am, naked, on her couch, while her son, also naked, is holding a champagne bottle that is obviously deeply embedded in my ass. We shriek, and he yanks out the bottle. And immediately out comes a LARGE, dark brown, smelly piece of poop. It just rolls out – this felt like it was happening in slow motion, and I kept trying to stop it but I couldn’t – and lands on her couch.

The French boy and I broke up shortly thereafter. I dumped him – pun intended.

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Help Me, My Head is Stuck

It was the first time I had sex with this guy, and he was hitting it from behind on his big brass bed. At one point, I was getting tired, so I went to turn my head to make eye contact (I had read that that made guys crazy) and I realized that my head was stuck between the brass posts. I was like a kid in a banister, and kept imagining firemen having to save me. My date sure couldn’t save me – he, in fact, laughed so hard that he peed on the floor.

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So Warm and Wet

I was fifteen. My first boyfriend had talked me into giving him a blowjob, his and my first one. After some hesitation, I began and everything seemed to be going as he described it would be. Half way through, I noticed my chest felt really warm and wet. I looked down and to my horror, there was an indescribable amount of diarrhea covering my white shirt. To this day, I’m not sure what happened. Of course the real fun part was when I had to left my t-shirt over my head to get it off.

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Why is my penis crooked?

While riding me cowgirl, an ex bounced up too high, I partially slid out, she came back down and my penis kinked in the middle, to the left. I felt the snap echo through my entire body.

Horrible screams. A shame, it was pretty fun up until that point.

It stayed like that for nearly a year when one day it miraculously straightened itself.

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I am fucking an alien princess!

I met some guy at a party, and ended up going to his house… Mid-thrust, he started laughing manically and yelled “I am fucking an alien princess! I am fucking an alien princess!” I, far too sober, immediately stopped, and then had to listen to him say, with wide eyes: “your vagina looks like the fridge scene in Ghostbusters.” I fell asleep and woke up in the morning to him eating a whole key lime pie in bed. Not even looking over at me, he said: “you can’t have any.” I walked home.

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Passed Out

I was so excited to go on a third date with this guy I really liked and figured this would be the night where we slept together. But I was also really nervous about it since I hadn’t been with a guy since my ex the year before, so I started drinking as soon as we got to the restaurant — and didn’t stop. By the time we got to his place and he was trying to get my bra off, I must have passed out in his bed! He was really sweet about it the next day and even teased me a bit, but my hangover combined with passing out on him really made me feel disgusting. At least I didn’t puke on him.

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I Just Had Sex

There was this guy at college who wanted to have shower sex with his girlfriend, but the only showers were hall showers and not exactly private, so he arranged for the whole hall to not be in the bathroom for a few hours on the day the girlfriend came to visit. The part he didn’t expect was the whole hall assembling outside the showers to blast Lonely Island’s ‘I Just Had Sex’ and to give him a round of applause as the happy couple left the showers.

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Just a Little Poop

I loudly dry-heaved when I gave my first blow job. It was right when he came. Imagine feeling great for a second, and abruptly becoming terrified of someone vomiting on your penis. My gag reflex has relaxed a little, but I still have to be careful.

I also came so hard earlier this year that I pooped on my boyfriend’s hand. Not majorly, just a little poop.

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Eww

Just finished sexin’ and took off condom and put on floor (in some tissue). We were cooling off and she noticed that her dog had got to the condom and lapped up almost all the cum. I laughed a lot. She did too after a bit.

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Dick Stick Shift

One morning after we were taking our time getting out of bed, and were naked from the night before. I sat on top of him for a bit, and eventually I started casually playing with his dick. After a few minutes I was suddenly inspired to grab it like a stick shift and start changing gears, complete with car noises. First, second, third, fourth, fifth; then, I shifted it into reverse and made car crash noises. Thankfully he found it really, really funny.

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Bullet Vibrator

Having really good sex, the small bullet vibrator we were using somehow made its way further in than it was supposed to and got stuck. Took about 30 minutes to fish it back out. It was on the entire time.

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The Eating Out Incident

My wife wanted to recreate a video she saw online, where a guy picks this girl up above his head, sits her on his face, and eats her out. I’m a weight lifter and she’s tiny, so it wasn’t really too hard for me. We get down to it, I get her into position and brace her against the wall because no way can I hold her for the entire time. As she gets close to coming, I lift her up off the wall, take a step back, and well…14 years of college between the two of us and we couldn’t figure out that it was a bad idea to try that in a room with a ceiling fan.

She was fine, it caught her on the shoulder and she fell right onto the couch, but we were both laughing too hard to continue any time soon.

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Milk Squirt

The first time I had sex after giving birth my partner made me cum and I shot breast milk into his face. No one ever warned me that could happen. I was mortified, he thought it was the coolest thing since squirt guns.

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A Hairy Situation

Had my hair tied in a bun, with a hair band with fake hair on it wrapped around to make my hair seem longer.

The guy I was with thought it would be a good idea to grab my hair whilst we were doing it and got a bit of a shock when it just fell off in his hand. When I say ‘bit of a shock’ I mean he yelled ‘Arghhhh, what the hell?!’ and threw it across the room whilst I almost died with laughter.

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Fucking Kids

Me and my girlfriend were fucking in our apartment’s gym showers, and an old lady came into the room. We were in a stall, but we still freaked out, and we both slipped, and I came at that exact moment, and it shot into my girlfriend’s ear and onto the shower nozzle, which caused my cum to spray all over the place and mix in with the blood that was coming from the back of my head. Both my and my girlfriend’s clothes were outside of the stall, and the old lady was standing outside. We started laughing our asses off, and then our clothes were just chucked over the door on top of us, and the lady shouted from the other side, ‘Fucking kids.’

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Nose Discharge

This probably isn’t the most embarrassing, but I know I will never forget the time I swallowed and there was so much semen that it came out of my nose. Ugh that was such a weird feeling. At least he didn’t notice.

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Grabbing the Sack

When our son was around crawling/pulling up age, hubby and I were going at it on the couch. Our couch is fairly low to the ground, so the kiddo decided that right then was as good as any time to climb up on the couch. He jerked the blanket off, grabbed his dad’s ball sack, and promptly fell off the couch, balls still in hand.

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Nose Ring

I was making out with a guy, pre-sex, hot and heavy, and my nose ring fell out and went in his mouth. I laughed for about 10 minutes and then we just continued on. It was the funniest thing and I am still laughing about it.

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Hot Sweaty Neighborly Passion

“I started dating this girl in my earlier 20s. We went to her house, one thing lead to another, and we began to have our first sexy times together. It was a hot summer day in a shitty apartment with no AC. All the doors and windows were open. We were going at it, and that’s when I (quite happily) found out she is a screamer. It was intense and passionate; we lost ourselves in each other… About halfway through, a neighbor suddenly shouted out, ‘Get enough for me too girl!’

We erupted into laughter for a long time. It still makes me giggle.

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Butt Dialing

When I made my girlfriend at the time squirt while not recognizing that her phone was on the bed and she had accidentally dialed her aunt with her ass so her aunt just got a very graphic message on her answering machine.

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Tickles

My ex used to tickle me all the time as foreplay. I guess he just liked the way I squirmed when he did it, but I would always tell him not to. I HATE being tickled since I’m soooo sensitive and I lose all control of my body when it happens. Anyway, he was on top of me tickling me one time and I lost control and kneed him in the balls. TOTAL accident, I swear. It put an abrupt end to our foreplay.

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